Will the real Islam Please Stand Up

So, will the real Islam please stand up?
And put one of those fingers on each hand up

TV runs in the background …… Bomb blast rocks through a market in Lahore many are feared dead

Me: When will Muslims actually get some respect for life and property?
Muslim: Surely you don’t believe that these are real Muslims?

Me: Real?
Muslims: Islam is a religion of peace and hence and therefore Muslims can’t do this. This is probably the work of some other force.

Me: Yoda?
Muslim: Who? I don’t know ….is he Jewish?

Me: Which other force do you think is doing this?
Muslim: The Jews, the Americans Allah knows.

Me: But the Taliban accepted responsibility for this.
Muslim: Yes they did but maybe it is some fragment of the Taliban that is being funded by the Americans.

Me: let me get this straight. There are mullahs that are getting money from America to bomb Pakistan
Muslim: Yes.

Me: (I want to ask why? but) So we should kill them. If we are the land of the pious Muslims, we should go after these Taliban who are damaging Pakistan no matter who is backing them up. If you hate the Jews and Americas that much you should equally hate their cohorts.
Muslim: uhhh… ?

Me: You said that these guys were running a proxy war on behalf of the Americans to destabilize Pakistan, so we should go after them and kill them
Muslim: Actually these Taliban are misguided Muslims, we should try and reason with them.

Me: Reason with them? How do you do that?
Muslim: talk to them.

Me: But we tried that it failed.
Muslim: yes because government sabotaged it.

Me: ahh ... no it didn’t the Taliban backed out.
Muslim: NO THE GOVERNMENT SABOTAGED IT.

Me: but you have to agree that there is something really wrong with Islam
Muslim: No. Islam is the one true religion

Me: really? How do you explain terrorism, bombs going off and suicide attacks?
Muslim: That’s not real Islam

Me: Subjugation of Women, public lashing?
Muslim: That’s not real Islam

Me: Child marriages?
Muslim: That’s not real Islam.

Me: Blasphemy laws? Let me guess not the real Islam?
Muslim: yeah see you finally see it from our angle.

How many times have you entered into a debate that has ended with this? The problem with Islam is that A would say B is not the real Islam, B would say A is not the real Islam and along would come C who would say neither A nor B are the real Islam. Islam has become this amorphous, fluid, mutilating object, when it comes to debates, whatever aspect you touch you are told that that isn’t it.

The fact is Quran is a very ambiguous to say the least. It contradicts itself a lot. If you talk to the Mullah-apologists regarding this he will say that the wrong kind of muslims …. which means everyone else but him …. misinterpret the verses of the Quran. Some verses are to be taken literally, some are to be taken in context of the verses before and after it, some are to be taken in the context of the situation in which they are revealed, some in the context of the times of the Prophet (marriage to a minor and slavery are explained using this trump card) and yet some have metaphorical meanings and are not to be taken in the literal sense. Here comes the problem, which verse is to be interpreted in which way. Apparently no one knows for sure. Each sect, mullah, militant group, suicide bomber makes up his own mind as how to interpret it. Then there is the hadith, that’s a whole different can of worms that is far more complex in interpretations.

This is the thing that makes Islam amorphous. If the Quran is as complete and as absolute as it is portrayed to be, then why is there room for so much variation? If Allah was all powerful, all knowing, all wise he would have seen the conundrum his words would have caused. Why couldn’t he just say in clear words listen these are the dos and these are the don’ts? Did Allah deliberately cause this confusion, in that case he is a sadistic bastard, or did he not know what this was actually going to cause, not something that would look good on an all powerful creator. Or was it man made and like all religions most of the stuff had to be kept ambiguous enough to allow it to be bent so that the masses can be controlled.

I think Islam needs a proper command and control structure of sorts. Like the Vatican Church, Islam needs a centralized authority that every Muslim adheres to (or two or three for different sects but not more than that). Issues pertaining to incorrect interpretation of Koran can be checked. Just like the Vatican kept some of the rules of traditional Christianity out, this centralized body can keep stuff like jihad, child marriages in check. It would put a leash on Islam and that is precisely what is needed. Get Islam in some solid state.